Mr Men

I have a theory about men. There are two types of them ones who are afraid of life and ones who are afraid of women.

Now is the time to ignore all stereotyping, previous experiences, general beliefs and just go with this idea for the moment…

The first group of men are terrified of the future and anything that involves change. Although they make plans to have a career, own such-an-such a car and live in a particular neighbourhood, chances are they won’t have a mortgage for another 20 years. In fact, they will probably have the same job and life as they did when they were 17 till they’re 70.

However, all is not lost for the non-committal man (as he is guaranteed to be) for he will have the power to seduce any woman who falls within his three meter radius. This may seem like total bliss to a non-changing man, every night a different woman, no strings and nine times out of ten no condom either.

The only real struggle is letting a girl go. Once the woman has made it clear to man number one that she is interested, man has a very tough decision to make-one which will no doubt decrease his brain cells by 50%-getting serious with this woman means potentially making future plans.

And worse yet, this would result in only being with one woman…and man knows that’s not enough, besides it would result in wasting their best asset.

Yes, the life for this one is easy and besides who would want to change it when it’s this good. There is a reason why this man will only use the mirror to do his hair in.

This vanity juxtaposes man number two, who will only look in a mirror accidently and even then never feel satisfied with what he sees. But who cares about physical appearances when there is so much life in the big wide world.

The increasing pessimism of this man means no woman will ever get a look in. If a woman manages to sneak through the net (most likely the girl next door) she better be ready for a relationship governed by rules and regulations and once a month sex (guaranteed to be missionary.)

In hindsight this loving, tender and doting male should not be far off perfect. He will rarely step out of line and apologises like there’s no tomorrow.

However, this is only because he is terrified of women. He has heard about their monthly fits, chocolate obsessions and raging hormones and what is there to like. If it wasn’t for his mother pressurising him to settle down he would still be single.

Plus if he treats his woman like a queen he won’t get on the wrong side of her. Right?

But holding hands aside, man number twos worse trait is his lack of cognition. Every decision made is controlled by his fear not to enrage woman. As a result a simple answer to the question ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ turns into ‘Don’t worry darling- ill make it for you-don’t you worry pumpkin bottom-I know how you like it-go put Friends on and ill give you a foot massage once I’m back.’

The once man (N.b slightly less manly than man number one) has turned into a mouse. This turn of events ironically ends in woman cheating on man number two with the likes of man number one. Consequently rendering man number two heartbroken and even more afraid of woman and the circle of life continues.

So perhaps there is some stereotyping and generalisations thrown in there and perhaps I have dated too many football captains to know they will always choose legs over brains. But at the end of the day the question is, are men all the same? There’s no correct answer to that one, but what I do know, is that life would be stupidly boring if they were.